I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
