It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
