You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's rum buckets o'clock
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize