So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
