Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
