my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
