We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
