You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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