You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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