I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
just tell him i said nine months
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
