he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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