Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
