someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
