i just wanna soil my oats bro
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize