im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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