I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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