I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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