my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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