I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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