The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
