got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize