just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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