I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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