She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
