the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
