Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
organizing the empties. That sober.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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