my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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