hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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