Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You took a bar mat shot.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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