I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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