Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
