I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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