Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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