they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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