If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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