3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
