I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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