You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
