DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize