You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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