At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
