you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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