even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
