I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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