I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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