I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
