you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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