i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
