Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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