Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
