next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
