i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
