I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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