i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize