True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
