There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
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