Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
