so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
