i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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