How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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