I think scott just propositioned me for sex
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
