When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
